turbulent emotion

i guess i lost myself somewhere out the city..
i couldnt recognise myself as who i am anymore.
i felt so much exhausted and demotivated.
what am i doing here??
fight over the result and the end, what will i gain??
what is there planted to my brain?? all the knowledge??
am i reading for my own benefit, or im reading for exam???
the ironic is im stressing up myself for all the illusion..
my mind fall back to my old memories, on how am i coping with my previous exam..
i found out, it is so much different with the current situation of me..
why is this so?? that why i say i lost myself.
in the face of competition, i started to behave in a totally different way..
woo-hoo, people say competition enhance your ability to learn,
i agree, but in some ways, it enhances my kiasu-ness as well.
i guess so..
i started to fear of failure, and fear of unknowns.
and the feeling of fear overwhelmed me..
it ceases me from marching forward to my future,
it stops me from everything..
my ears and eyes started to close off, reluctant in accepting any advise, my mind start to release negative ion.. and make myself become depress..
i believe your body has a system which co-ordinates your feelings,
i felt extremely sleepy when i read books, maybe it knows im horrified to read it..
some part in my heart , which is soft and fragile, is facing a great threat now.
i just need some one to calm it down again, and make myself believe that i can do it again..
but i do know, all this is also depend on myself too.
thanks for everyone who tried your best..
i guess overall this is just my problem..
i know i should stand up now.
but i wanna search back the old me, the lost me, where is she right now?
another question arise,
is the current me the real me? or i just changed?
im confused..
it is true that as u grow up, your thinking and your mind will change accordingly to changes of your life.
i don understand why am i tensing myself up..
i also don understand why am i looking down at myself..
is there because i felt there is always people better than me,
until i lost my self-worth??
in fact, there is always people who are better?? is it not?
well, i hate when my emotional rule me.
but the funny thing is, this is my own unique characteristic.