挫折。面对。逃避？

是说，
失败没关系，
最重要是懂得站起来，
是说，
要懂得跌倒了爬起来，
很简单的道理，
很合逻辑，
原来真正要做的时候，
就会发现很难，
当你被挫折感折磨的时候，
很多时候就会轻言放弃，
那种无助的感觉就会浮现，
种种迹象告诉着自己：自己很失败
或许，我被保护的太好了，
我原来不懂得面对问题，
很多时候我选择逃避，
偏偏，现在我已到了不能逃避的岁月，
我要学会承担，承担后果，
学会相信自己，
人生何其苦短，
皆因太多人生大道理等待我去领悟，
可惜我的领悟能力是何其的低，
就算到现在，我还不能学会控制自己，
我还是那么容易的被身边的人动摇，
我还是不能靠自己站稳脚步，
我还是对自己没信心，
我还是我，
思想改变了吗？我以为如此，原来并不是
心态变了吗？没有，还是那个悲观的我，
长大了吗？没有，思想还是那么的拘谨，
我也不想，我也想振作，
偏偏事不如愿，
我接受了，我接受这世界是不公平的
我知道我不是人中凤凰，我只是一位凡人
只有这样，我才能平衡自己
读了一位朋友的部落格，形容大学得很贴切：
没入大学时充满了美好想象，
踏入了大门才发现不过如此，
大学或许是个缩小版的人生百态，
让你看清楚人心，更是让你学习与装备自己，
如何踏入社会并融入他们，
我想我适应不来；
抑或是，我根本容纳不了这世界
天地之大，有哪儿是我的容身之地呢?
出国在外的朋友们，都很享受着这难得的机会，
是我，不懂的珍惜
是我，荒废岁月
我想要的，又是什么，
大家都很忙碌，忙着为自己的生活作打算，
忙着做工，忙着读书，大家都很热爱生活，
为何唯独是我...
迷失在自己的生活里，
好想离开，漫无目的的走，
走到一个无人问津的地方，
然后慢慢等死，
与其像现在的生活，
过于沉重，毫无乐趣
原来，到头来，我还是选择逃避....

The need of retail therapy

At this point of time, after a hectic Monday (tax lecture is tiring especially when the lecturer can speak like a bullet train), I am DESPERATE for...

 A RETAIL THERAPY. 

I need new clothes, new shoes, I even think of having a new hair cut. I am bored with my long hair, it looks dull! I want some changes (let see if I have the courage to make it happen, often it turns out for me to trim it slightly only =/ ) I need some changes to welcome the spring!!
Of cause, to make it happen, it needs to build on the basis that my bank balance is not turning into negative soon, which I don't have (irony!) Well, can I just shop without thinking about the consequence? And some secret admirer will pay off all my debts. (fantasy)
Wake up at 8am in the Monday morning to attend two consecutive tutorials following with 1.5 hours lecture is so depressing. I have been struggling. seriously. like whether or not I should wake up and attend the tutorial. Nah, the tutorial is not assessed (disadvantages huh?!) The bed is so inviting =S
Nevertheless, the conscience won at last, I did wake up and prepare myself within the last 15 mins and start walking to uni. Moral of the story is: I should not ever pick this kind of schedule again! and of cause, clap for myself because I manage to wake up and attend lecture and being such a nice girl. Lol.

title-less

Smile, is the best way to greet someone.
Smile can also bring happiness.
Smile, used to be an expression, it expressed what you feel, that is you are happy that why you are smiling.
However, smile had transformed to become one of the courtesy practice. People smile at you, you have to reply them with a smile too. Ever since, smile had evolved to become a mask. Regardless you are happy or not, the best way to avoid the pain being revealed is through smile.
I smile less nowadays. Less things could make me happy. No doubt smile could be a good protection. However, when you are hiding your wound, you are hiding yourself. I think I am hoping for some care. I want to be the spotlight in someone's life. Not everyone's. Is this too greedy huh?
I am not writing this in a depression mode. It is just a self-thought. Look at my reflection on the screen of my laptop, I cant find a reason to smile. Ivy said: don't compare. Just do what you think it is right. That's right. How others lead their life should not be the source of my depression. What I need to do now is focus on what I want.
I felt like the time has gone back to the time when I finished SPM, where everyone surround me just disappeared and left me alone. Everyone is marching forward. Some went to matriculation; Some went to A-level; Some went to College. Left me, I have to make decision where to go and where to further my studies. It is just making a choice, what so hard about it? Yet, it is constrained by so many practical factors. Financial issue is the main one, and even myself is the main barrier. Lucky to say, my appeal to JPA was successful. However, the life does not stop there. Once again, I am faced with the same situation. Have I learnt enough in the past that make me overcome now?
Okay, just another random post.

I wish to be pampered tonight.
it is like, extremely need.
and who doesn't need?

after reading tonnes of journals, i feel

Confused, confused, and confused.

I used to like Constitutional law, but now I think I changed my mind.
What the hell I have to take this full year subject?? konon it is Malaysian Bar requirement, but why all my dearest friends over the Australian University never seem to have this requirement to take this full year subject? why only Monash? why the lecturer want to torture us. It is not even being taught last semester, and this semester they expect us to understand it without lecture, or any guidance. Okay, is this one of the crucial requirement for us to be independent and stop relying on lecturer? hmmph.. worth consideration.
I have so many questions left in my mind after reading the journals. I wish to finish at least half of it by this week, approx 2000 words, but look at me now, I don't think I could even squeeze a words out right now. Yet, I have abandoned my other 3 subjects in order to be able to pay full concentration on THIS. tax law, torts B and prop B, I dont think I have catch up with any readings of this subjects. WHOAAAA, so many things to do. *freak out!!!
Despite all sort of complaints, thumb of rule of the day that I should remember is I cant reverse the time, what I capable of doing right now is keep going and it will come to an end, everyone faces the same problem and they go through it with correct attitude, and YES, that's why enough of complain. go back to work. 一定要 咬紧牙关走下去~

=)

被人誤解的時候能微微的一笑，這是一種素養；

受委屈的時候能坦然的一笑，這是一種大度；

吃虧的時候能開心的一笑，這是一種豁達；

處窘境的時候能自嘲的一笑，這是一種智慧；

無奈的時候能達觀的一笑，這是一種境界；

危難的時候能泰然一笑，這是一種大氣；

被輕蔑的時候能平靜的一笑，這是一種自信；

失戀的時候能輕輕的一笑，這是一種灑脫

不管是有什麼事情，為了什麼原因.....我們每天都要開心一笑 

How happy are you?

If you are asked to reconstruct yesterday, then recall the level of happiness, how much would you rate your happiness? I had participated in a 'happiness survey' today, and that's what I basically asked to do. No obvious answer whether I am happy or sad right now, because I just go through a whole lot of questions answering yes/no/rating. 

In a particular section, I was asked to recall the most happiest event that I have in the past 12 months, sadly, I could not think of one. Is this one of the reflection that my life was actually dull and boring? Or actually my feelings have become numb as I go through my law degree. 

I have become relatively insensitive to the change of feelings within myself, but focus too much on those materials stuff. The emotions sway too easily by the surrounding things. I started to lost myself. 'Oh, everyone is doing this, so I have to...' Do I really need to? or I just can't afford to be left out by the society at large? I cant accept myself to be an alien at the eyes of public. What do I truly want, asked myself. I have been caged in an invisible cage, that I found no way to escape. It is the social/peer pressure. Why we are nothing when we have no obtained a degree/high distinction? Why the self-value is judged according to our qualification level. Why are human ranked according to their IQ and academic result? 

The first thing comes to mind every morning when I open my eyes, would be 'study.. study... study'. No doubt this is what so called a 'student-life', but am I forgetting life is not just about study and result? How long since I actually take a time out of my life and start reading books (other than academic) for my own leisure? I think that would be a luxury for me in such a tight schedule. But, in terms of happiness, how much happiness would I gain from getting a satisfactory result and would it be happier than having leisure life? How long can the happiness gain from glamour last? Would your life has no regret since then? 

Some people would say, you are working hard now for your future, your hard work will get paid off in future by the ways of high salary, branded stuff, etc. If you don't work hard enough right now, you will get nothing in future. By saying that, nothing means unhappiness. Our mind has set to judge one's happiness according to one's wealth and lifestyle, instead of soul and mind. 

i shall keep a smile on my face

okok, i know i should be happy for today.
it is sunday! and it gets better everyday.
wake up at 12, a time which i officially open my eyes.
then i continue to roll on the bed until i felt satisfied,
and here it is already 130.. i'm having a good life, dont i?
Amazingly,tarot says so too:

Sunday, Sep 5th, 2010 -- Thankfully, you can't hold on to your recent moodiness as the lights get brighter and everything appears to be on the upswing. It's nearly impossible to be anything other than happy when the Moon is in fun-loving Leo today. But don't waste your excess energy on play while you still have some work to do. Hurry through your chores so you can enjoy the rest of the day.

if..

if i die now, who cares?

yeah, i know this is irresponsible. =X

yet, the invisible pressure just gonna strangle me till i stop breathing. 

not necessary mentioning study one, but everything else.

only if i could have the stupid courage to just kill myself. 

sorry dad and mum, i just lost the courage to continue living. 

i m the loser.