dearest aunty

i realise, there is always opportunity cost in everything..
i let go of my emotion last night,
by having a bad, terrible cry out of the balcony..
in exchange of a sore eyes this mornin..
untill now, only i feel much better with my own eyes..
i couldnt explain why, i have such a negative emotion for recent period..
maybe simply because of my AUNTY VISITOR..
she came today, finally.. a sigh of relieve...
Stress postpone its visit day, i guess..
but volatile , worsening my emotional fluctuation..
sorry to those who around me, for standing my bad tempered..
what i can say.. is sorry..
i don mean it...

i wish i could have a hug now, a gentle warm comfort..
for my unpeace heart..
i still depress, still emoing.. still in bad emotion...
i felt im in a mess..
i lost all the direction...
what is the point, who am i living for right now..
i lost the hope of live in a more simple say...
with the aim of not creating additional hurt on people who i concerned,
i chose to isolate myself, and stay alone..
the feeling is pain and hurt and suffer..
but then it is the best solution isnt it?
i cant be so selfish, i need to think of others who i care and love too..
i need someone, but i couldnt say it out and i dono how..
so i keep it in my heart, hopefully you will know it one day later..

for this moment, i stil need you,
but i m too stubborn to be soft and step out the 1st step.
as i want to retain my own dignity...

who cares

Again, im unable to conrol my tears and let it fall in its own way..
i cried a lot recently, and i couldnt figure out the reason.
Econs, make me stress, is it? why?
sigh... i dono..
my tears just fall beyond my control.
i thought u could understand the stress on me,
and i wished u are the one to pull me out from this deep dark hole,
unfortunately, you don understand me..
the inner world of me...
you do not understand what kind of dilemma am i facing..
you do not understand how hard for me to stand in front of you,
to face all the pressure..
you do not tried to trigerred out the deep feeling in me,
instead you believe in what your eyes see, what your ears listened, and what you touched,
and the worst thing is you abandoned me in this world,
facing all the unknown challenge alone.
i.. no longer motivated, no longer in fighting spirit,
but im giving up..
i live because of you, and i never live for myself.
i know this well..
and now you snatch everything away..
im lost, what should i do right now?
lost...
lost in the dark world that im not familiar with..
giving up of everything i have right now,
include your love,
i pushed it away from me,
i refused to take it again..
maybe im just suitable to stay alone..
or maybe you are not belong to me..
look at you, i know you can live without me..
i know there is no difference made whether there is me or not..
and the ironic is i don like this..
my possession come against me.
i want to be the whole world of someone
but not a small piece..

emotion is scary, it influence your point of view,
it is the determinant of how you look at thing and take thing up.
yeah, i agree that im now at the "recession" phase, where everything is at its lowest peak..
that why i take thing so pesmistic and negative..
but who cares?
even if it ruins my whole life,
who cares?

Confession : a diary entry

today 10/3/08 9.05am

I drank two glasses of Dutch Lady milk with her milo glass
I am starting my day right with Dutch Lady!
I wondered if my sex drive is low because i have not beeen having sex or doing it since many times ago
I did not m _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ e
I love you
I think i have just confessed to you last night
It felt so different last night
I don't like to eat chocolate chip bun
I love to eat wholemeal bread
I can eat it without anything
Bread bread bread bread

沮丧

沮丧的心情挥之不去，
心里一片空白，但是很多影子在脑海里却旋转着，
扰乱着我，
心不能再平静，不能再冷静地面对事情，
压力，一波一波的向我灌顶而来，
考试，就在眼前，
我不知，也无从的去面对，
负面的情绪，不知为何，一直涌着我而来，让我挡也挡不住

相爱总是比相处来得容易

相爱容易，相处难
真的是有根据的，
以前从来都不能领会的我，就在这一刻，
深深的体会，来自两个完全不同的家庭背景，
是很难生活在一起，世事无绝对， 当然，结局是能改变的，如果双方都是有心人，
然而，不是每个人都能忍受的，
改变对方，是一件很愚蠢的事，因为到头来，双方俱败，没有一方能得利，
但是，这却是每个人都会犯的错误，
许多恋情的决裂，婚姻的失败，问题都是在于一方太过想要另一半成为自己梦想的完美情人，
而往往却忘记了，自己当初爱上的，就站在眼前的，
当初奋不顾身的为爱人赴汤蹈火，仅仅为了享受一霎那浪漫，神秘， 让人回味的爱情，
为何，当浪漫不再，当神秘的面纱被揭开之后， 当感觉招手离去之时，一切都变了样，
战争之火四处燃烧，白马王子抑或是白雪公主，顿时间， 成为妖魔鬼怪。
人的潜意识，实在隐藏了太多太多的能量了，以至于能够改变人的行为， 和对人的看法与信任。
或许，在我身体里蠕动的冲突，也许因我本身的心魔而生吧~

害怕

我想，我必须要重新评估我和你之间的爱情了，
我以为我很了解你，其实事实并不是我所想得那么简单，
原来有许多因素隐藏在背后， 一些不为人所知的， 一些震撼人心的，
怪不的， 我有一种怪怪的感觉， 原来，你是与众不同的， 你是那么的“特别”，
我想要退出了， 我太害怕， 害怕安定下来，
我想要一个人，
也许，一个人的日子难熬， 我可能熬不过来，
星座书上写着：我是一只被动的螃蟹，不会主动去爱人， 而且非常害怕分手后的那种感觉，
但是，我想我还是能捱过来的！！！

显

there are still something bothering my mind.
making my heart unpeace...
it seems like there is a hole in my heart...
so dark, and so deep..
until i couldnt figure out what is happening inside.
i lack of sense of security right now.
i wish your arm could circle me and hold me tight in your arm..
i wish your warmth of body could melt the icy darkness in my heart and bring me back the sunchine.
but it sound so impossible..
well, i know where is the source of the worries..
but i couldnt solve it...
SIGH...

心好烦， 好烦
让我觉得心情郁闷，
无法找到出口释放，
天啊！有种想死的欲望...

假期来临之际

假期终于在大家左盼右望之下来临了，
虽说只有一个星期的假期，
但是，也足够了，足够让我补眠，
但是，我却做了一个不懂是对还是错的决定，
一直到现在，虽然已成定局，心里也好挣扎，
是不是，每个人在人生里面，都会经历这样的一个抉择，
一定要尝尝寄人篱下的感觉，一定要经验离乡背井的滋味，
我好想念我的家。
古人真的很聪明，文言文说：每逢佳节倍思亲，这句话形容我现在的心情实在是贴切不过了。
有种冲动，买机票回家，然后就一去不回，也许，人真的要体验过失去才懂得珍惜吧！若我不是人在外地，想当然我也不会有现在这一股心情。
最近，在学业上面对的压力，真的不是人受的，我明白，追根究底，一切压力的来源是来自本身，朋友也劝说别是太多压力， 毕竟，你现在的成就象征着你的能力，读不来，就别勉强自己，就随便找间大学算了，为什么，一定要执著于所谓好的大学呢？
他说的未免不是对的，但是，如果我真的甘于平凡，为什么，我会走到现在这个阶段，早在去年，我就留在家乡，浑浑噩噩读完大学先修班，然后懵懵懂懂的进本地大学算了， 就是一股要出国的愿望，把我带到这里，但是，想家的心情，真的挥之不散，
如何在两者之间，达到一个平衡？
总而言之，


我现在很想家！！

a sense of loneliness pop up when u are standing in the middle of crowd..
i never feel im filled with people, instead it fills with a sense of emptiness.
everyone is hanging with a smile on their face, singing with joy, dancing with cheers.
yet, im the only man standing in the middle,
feel left out.
tried to mix and become part of them, but i failed.
we aren't the same species, im not enjoying like you are.
suppose it become a piece of memorable moments, and i shall grab the opportunities.
yet,i let it go.

好久没写部落格了，
没办法啦，
没有灵感吗~ 现在的我，实在是显到爆！！！！
考试要到了，但是我好像还是一知半解， 呜~~